Swimsuit Shopping

Every year it's the same thing. It gets hot, and I need a new swimsuit. Ok, so I don't NEED a new swimsuit, but it just doesn't feel right wearing the same one as last year. I feel that like my shoes and purses, you can never have to many swimsuits. Different swimsuits are necessary for different occasions. For just lounging around the pool with my family or by myself, I opt for my old bandeau swimsuit so I don't have to worry about getting tan lines.

If I'll be around my family I just pick one, any one. It doesn't matter because my family doesn't care. Then I have the sexy one piece with the side cut outs for when my girlfriends and I go down to the lake and go out to the bars on the lake.

So yesterday I decided it was time for a new swimsuit. Instead of paying upward of $70 for a swimsuit from VS, I decided to find a cheaper alternative, but just as cute.

I made my way up to our local outdoor mall in hopes of finding something cute. Now, I consider myself lucky in the fact that I have remained the same size since high school. I am a whopping 5 ft tall and about 98 lbs. But even I have my body issues. Therefore, every year I dread shopping for a suit because I'm deathly afraid I won't be able to fit into the same size. I'm sure most women can relate.

I decide to go to PacSun because I see that their suits are buy one piece, get the second 1/2 off. Sounds like a good deal to me.

I rummage through the lines of swimsuits hanging on the wall and decide on a cute red with white polka dots with a ruffle top. I grab an extra small top and a small bottom. I grab the same for a pink a white plaid and head to the dressing room. I slide the top on first only to realize the tiny triangular top is barely covering my lady humps. Ok, so I'll grab a small top instead. I slide the bottoms on. Ugh. They're too tight. My little cheeks are being squeezed out of the sides of the swimsuit bottom. This has never been an issue for me. Top or bottom. I politely ask the sales associate to grab me a medium in the bottom and a small in the top.

She returns and I try the bigger sizes on, unhappy about the whole one size up. The bottoms are too big. They're doing that bunchy thing and instead of fitting nice and snug around my butt, they're loosely hanging there, like the sails of a sail boat, flapping in the wind. The top, a small, is just that, small. I've never had what you would call "big boobs." They were always proportionate to my body and a small always worked. This was one size I would not complain about.

Irritated that the bottoms were either too small or too big and there was no in between, I left in a huff. I'm not one to usually complain about my body much, but this made me feel terrible. I walked around the rest of the mall irritated. I decided to try Target, maybe they're sizes were different. I looked around and saw nothing I even wanted to try on. Thats it, I give up.

So today I decided that I would go to a different mall and go to VS and see what they had in the stores. You wanna know what they had in the stores? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Agh, how frustrating. In my last attempt to find something I decided to try the PacSun at this mall.

To my surprise they had different suits, cuter ones, than the ones at the other mall. I saw the red and white polka dot suit and cringed. I flipped through the other suits and found one I liked. The top was a navy blue with white anchors. I love anchors. If you know me you know I almost always have on my anchor necklace. The top was a small and I stood there and pondered for a minute. I grabbed the bottoms, a white and navy blue striped and they were a small. I figured I'd give it another go. It was after all a new day.

We've got a winner! The top was perfect. Just enough coverage and just enough skin to leave to the imagination. The bottoms were low rise, a fit I prefer and they were the perfect amount of snugness. I grabbed the two pieces and got outta there before I had time to stand in front of the mirror and really look at all the things that could be wrong.

How I got here

I was in a relationship for five years. I lived with my ex, we'll call him J to keep his identity a secret, for his sake. I lived with J for almost 6 months. It was our first place together. It was also the first time either of us had lived anywhere besides our parents. I thought this was going to be the next step in our relationship, getting us closer to an engagement, something I'd always dreamed of with J. I always thought I knew what I wanted. I'm a planner, I like to know what I'm doing at all times. I am so not spontaneous in any way, shape or form. Since I was a little girl I knew I wanted to be a journalist, no question. Just like I thought I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with J.

The last year of our relationship was rocky. We broke up last summer because I was tired of coming second to his friends. I know what you're thinking, I'm probably that crazy girlfriend that never let her boyfriend hang out with his friends or when he did I was blowing up his phone the whole time. But I'm not that girl. If anything, I'm guilty of pushing him too much to hang out with his friends. This is how the whole thing began. I would never complain if he wanted to hang out with his friends. Hell half the time I'd tag along because that was what we did when we went "out," we hung out with his friends at a local bar. It got to the point where J and I never spent one on one time together. The only time we hung out was when we were with his friends and he was unwilling to compromise. So after months of fighting I gave up and for the first time in five years we actually broke up officially.

We got back together about a month later when J swore up and down he had changed. I wanted nothing more to believe him. Or so I thought. I didn't realize it until recently that when I got back together with J, part of me didn't want to get back together. Part of me wanted to be free. Then I felt trapped. I felt like since we had been together for so long we were supposed to be together. I pushed back feelings of unhappiness and thoughts about what it would be like to be single. I felt bad for thinking such things.

It wasn't until I had a long talk with my brother, who is my best friend in the whole world. I finally realized how unhappy I truly was. I realized that J was not reciprocating in the relationship. Everything was about him and what I was doing wrong. I could do no right with J. He was constantly criticizing me. He told me multiple times I was a horrible girlfriend. It got to the point where J was saying other things to me, more like verbal abuse. It was really starting to mess with my head.

It wasn't until I caught myself sobbing and crying uncontrollably that I realized how unhappy I truly was. For the first time in my life, I was depressed. I never wanted to believe that I was depressed because of my relationship with J, but the truth was, my relationship was toxic and unhealthy.

I finally broke down and attempted to explain to J how unhappy I was and that I needed his help getting through this and that I was scared. I guess I assumed he would say something like "Babe, I'm here for you and we're gonna get through this and I'm here for you no matter what you need." Something I assumed was a normal response when someone you love just told you they're in a really dark place. Instead, J informed me that maybe if I wasn't so involved with school and stressed all the time about the stories I had to write for my classes, I'd have more time to spend with him. Typical J move. He could manage to turn anything around to be about him. After a week of fighting we decided we would continue to work on things.

I spent the whole day thinking about my life with J. I was questioning everything about our relationship. I realized I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with J and that scared the hell out of me. But I knew that if I didn't go home that night and tell him this, I would back out and talk myself into believing I was happy.

I went home that night, broke down and told him I didn't want to be with him anymore. He was speechless. I took my dogs that night and stayed at my parents. I went the next day and moved all my stuff back to my parents. I cut all ties with J because I was afraid if I didn't, he would sweet talk his way back into my life.

This is my story about my adventures as a newly single 20-something.