How I got here

I was in a relationship for five years. I lived with my ex, we'll call him J to keep his identity a secret, for his sake. I lived with J for almost 6 months. It was our first place together. It was also the first time either of us had lived anywhere besides our parents. I thought this was going to be the next step in our relationship, getting us closer to an engagement, something I'd always dreamed of with J. I always thought I knew what I wanted. I'm a planner, I like to know what I'm doing at all times. I am so not spontaneous in any way, shape or form. Since I was a little girl I knew I wanted to be a journalist, no question. Just like I thought I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with J.

The last year of our relationship was rocky. We broke up last summer because I was tired of coming second to his friends. I know what you're thinking, I'm probably that crazy girlfriend that never let her boyfriend hang out with his friends or when he did I was blowing up his phone the whole time. But I'm not that girl. If anything, I'm guilty of pushing him too much to hang out with his friends. This is how the whole thing began. I would never complain if he wanted to hang out with his friends. Hell half the time I'd tag along because that was what we did when we went "out," we hung out with his friends at a local bar. It got to the point where J and I never spent one on one time together. The only time we hung out was when we were with his friends and he was unwilling to compromise. So after months of fighting I gave up and for the first time in five years we actually broke up officially.

We got back together about a month later when J swore up and down he had changed. I wanted nothing more to believe him. Or so I thought. I didn't realize it until recently that when I got back together with J, part of me didn't want to get back together. Part of me wanted to be free. Then I felt trapped. I felt like since we had been together for so long we were supposed to be together. I pushed back feelings of unhappiness and thoughts about what it would be like to be single. I felt bad for thinking such things.

It wasn't until I had a long talk with my brother, who is my best friend in the whole world. I finally realized how unhappy I truly was. I realized that J was not reciprocating in the relationship. Everything was about him and what I was doing wrong. I could do no right with J. He was constantly criticizing me. He told me multiple times I was a horrible girlfriend. It got to the point where J was saying other things to me, more like verbal abuse. It was really starting to mess with my head.

It wasn't until I caught myself sobbing and crying uncontrollably that I realized how unhappy I truly was. For the first time in my life, I was depressed. I never wanted to believe that I was depressed because of my relationship with J, but the truth was, my relationship was toxic and unhealthy.

I finally broke down and attempted to explain to J how unhappy I was and that I needed his help getting through this and that I was scared. I guess I assumed he would say something like "Babe, I'm here for you and we're gonna get through this and I'm here for you no matter what you need." Something I assumed was a normal response when someone you love just told you they're in a really dark place. Instead, J informed me that maybe if I wasn't so involved with school and stressed all the time about the stories I had to write for my classes, I'd have more time to spend with him. Typical J move. He could manage to turn anything around to be about him. After a week of fighting we decided we would continue to work on things.

I spent the whole day thinking about my life with J. I was questioning everything about our relationship. I realized I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with J and that scared the hell out of me. But I knew that if I didn't go home that night and tell him this, I would back out and talk myself into believing I was happy.

I went home that night, broke down and told him I didn't want to be with him anymore. He was speechless. I took my dogs that night and stayed at my parents. I went the next day and moved all my stuff back to my parents. I cut all ties with J because I was afraid if I didn't, he would sweet talk his way back into my life.

This is my story about my adventures as a newly single 20-something.